Why The Donald needs to eat a salad and Hillary needs a nap.

“Yeah, good luck with that.” Hello October. The oppressive heat has lifted. Subways are starting to smell a little less. (Just a little.) The PSL is BACK. (Apparently those Pumpkin Spice Latte’s are now just called PSL. Never going to call it that, but I digress.) Every autumn brings welcome reprieve from the humidity in New York City. The end of summer also marks the arrival of pear season. The pear in Chinese medicine is a real powerhouse. It calms the heart and lubricates our lungs. I feel bad for the pear at the farmers market. One hundred barrels of apples, apple cider, apple cider donuts...everybody loves the apple, while crates of pears sit there looking super sad and lonely. But this year in particular we get one more glorious benefit alongside the changing leaves and the pear. THIS ELECTION IS ALMOST OVER!!! I’m sure you’re just as excited as I am. While this election season was funny at first and now completely stressful, I’m sure it pales in comparison to the stress of the campaign trail and endless media scrutiny for our presidential candidates, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. It left me wondering… If Donald or Hillary came into my clinic (please don’t come), how would I treat them? Tongue analysis of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: a side-by-side comparison. “They’ve...had...the time of their lives…” One of the first things I have my patients do is show me their tongue. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, the tongue is a reflection of your overall health and what is happening with specific organs inside your body. When I inspect your tongue, I’m not just judging your PSL (there I go again) breath, I’m looking at 3 specific things:

  • Shape
  • Color
  • Coating
In the case of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, both tongues point to issues with one organ in particular—the liver. Classic New Yorkers. This didn’t surprise me at all. The liver is the organ responsible for the smooth flowing of emotions within the body. As we’ve learned the hard way during this election, both candidates’ emotions are anything but smooth. But does the Donald’s tongue explain his frequent late-night Twitter Tantrums™? Does Hillary’s tongue show why she’s sick all the dang time? The answer is a resounding YES!

Team Tongue Donald

(photo via) “My tongue is terrific.” Donald’s tongue is pale in the middle and crimson red on the sides which signals Liver Yang Rising. When the Liver Yang rises to the head, one has a propensity for massive amounts of anger. Manifestations of Liver Yang Rising include:

  • Explosive outbursts
  • Red face and eyes
  • Tinnitus and horrible migraines
  • Insomnia and nightmares
  • Bitter taste in mouth
  • Dark yellow urine

(photo via) As we can see, Donald is quite literally the definition of “hot-headed”. The Trumpster is the guy who knocks into you on the subway, and then goes ballistic and threatens to kill you. (Good thing this guy has a private plane.) This diagnosis is consistent with what we know of Donald’s temperament and lifestyle. Liver Yang Rising is exacerbated by late nights, fried food, excessive drugs and alcohol (yes, caffeine is a drug!), and a lot of meat in the diet. The first order of business is moving all of that Liver Yang energy from the head down towards his feet. In addition to acupuncture, The Donald needs to eat a lot more cooling foods, such as:

  • Fruits: apples, pears, watermelon
  • Vegetables: asparagus, romaine lettuce
  • Grains: barley and millet
  • Tofu and seaweed (miso soup, anyone?)
  • Water, water, water!
A lot of lifestyle changes are needed to drain that yang out of his head. Mr. Trump needs to avoid stimulating foods that further deplete his out-of-balance yin, namely: I’d also suggest he take on a daily meditation practice and perhaps a digital detox. #DeleteYourAccount.

Team Tongue Hillary

(photo via) All signs on Hillary’s tongue point to Liver Qi Congestion. This is a much more common imbalance amongst Western men and women. Sure, she can get angry, but she is much less prone to start a fight and much more likely to snap back when provoked. Those with a stagnant Liver Qi have symptoms like:

  • Depression, moodiness, general tense feeling
  • Frequent sighing
  • Nausea, acid reflux, irregular bowel movements
  • Irregular, painful periods
  • Fatigue
Hillary also has signs of Kidney Qi Deficiency which is usually due to chronic overwork and stress. These signs can also include:
  • Dizziness, decrease in hearing acuity
  • Low libido
  • Muscle soreness and low back pain
  • Constantly feeling run-down
  • Prolonged recovery time after infections

(photo via) “Hey girl, hey.” As you can see, Hillary’s ailments are no laughing matter. Her adrenals are beat from constantly being on the road. Our kidneys naturally weaken with age, so my focus for her would be on strengthening them - that way she can heal more quickly and efficiently and have the energy to shatter that glass ceiling. Fortunately for Hillary, acupuncture works wonders for smoothing out stagnant Liver Qi. Imagine her energy inside to be like a turbulent, stormy ocean. We want to turn that into a calm, soothing lake. I would recommend she, like Donald, focus on healthy, whole, cooling foods (no more hot sauce in that bag, swag) and relaxation techniques like meditation, breathing exercises and massage therapy. There are also some wonderful Chinese herbal formulas that can help restart and recirculate the Liver Qi flow. One that comes to mind I commonly suggest to my patients is Xiao Yao San. Most of all, Hillary’s tongue is crying out for SLEEP. Homegirl needs a nice long nap. Perhaps we’ll pencil it in her calendar… ...Saturday, January 21, 2017?