Crazy shit I do to you in my office
Gua Sha I have been an acupuncturist for a long time, and I’m used to seeing and doing a lot of things to people that might seem crazy to all of you non-acupuncturists out there, but when I was just starting school I was at a party and a girl came up to me and said, “I heard you’re going to be an acupuncturist. You have to see the gua sha they did on me.” She took me into the bathroom and showed me her back. My first thought was, “what the fuck is gua sha and why did you let someone do that to you?” I wanted to tell her to go straight to the ER and tell them that she was in Africa and didn’t have a mosquito net in her broken window, $2 a night, fleabag hotel room, and that mosquitoes were everywhere eating her alive and she went nuts nuts nuts slamming her back from wall to wall (true story – totally happened to me - hello Arusha, Tanzania). What I actually said to her was, “I’ve seen that a lot, it looks really good and that should definitely heal sometime soon.” Gua sha pretty much looks like you were put in a cage with Hannibal Lecter, Buffalo Bill and of course Pinhead (Pinhead is me, obviously). You’re probably asking yourself, “Why does Hannibal Lecter use gua sha?” Some acupuncturists embrace the East Asian technique of gua sha, scraping a patient’s back with a spoon until the skin turns red. (Bigstock) Gua means to scrape and sha means to cause redness or sand-like irritation on the skin. We (Hannibal Lecter and Pinhead) believe that once you scrape the surface of the skin, blood stagnation decreases and an anti-inflammatory, immune boosting reaction is produced and one feels immediate relief from pain and stiffness. Gua sha can also be done on the lungs for wheezing or coughing. Now I’m sure you’re thinking, “Gabriel I am not doing this to my back/shoulder/neck/foot, people will think I am crazy.” Yes, but people will also think you’re crazy if you walk around like this: Do you think this look gets the ladies? Gua sha works and I of course am here to torture you/make you better.
Bleeding When you come to my clinic and tell me, “Gabriel, I have a sore throat,” what goes through my head first is, “poor Stacy she must really be suffering," but my real thought is, "I need to stick a lancet in her big thumb and get 10 drops of blood.” Really I just want you to feel better (and not run screaming from my clinic). I won’t tell you what I am planning on doing – it’s more of a sneak attack so you can’t say, “Gabriel I really don’t want you to stick me with a sharp tool.” My other super-secret technique is that I do it on one thumb and pretend like I don’t have to do it on the other thumb but do it anyway. It’s really funny! Totally hilarious! Promise. The main uses for bloodletting are to disperse qi and blood for sore throats, backaches and sprained ankles, and to clear heat and fevers. It’s very successful and I often use it in the clinic. I think this is a very informative video because it includes both cupping and bloodletting. It’s part ISIS terror video/part acupuncture office you would never want to go to. Looks very modern and hip. Click to the 1:20 mark to skip to the good tush footage – takes the video to the next level.
Moxabustion Moxabustion or Moxa involves the burning of the herb mugwort or ai ye which helps to increase blood circulation and encourage the body to heal itself. It pretty much smells like you and your best friend Janis Joplin decided to take bong hits for 2 days straight, stopped for 5 minutes and then did it all over again. Moxa is used to warm the meridians and points, clear stagnation and strengthen the system. Moxa is used to treat lower back pain, fertility issues, painful periods or any deficiency condition. Moxa stimulates qi and blood. It’s also the go-to technique for breech birth. Steven Segal being my favorite actor of all time. Any great warrior is also a scholar, a poet and an artist. Steven Segal!! Steven demonstrates moxa perfectly. He also stayed in a Holiday Inn.
Cupping I’m sure you’re thinking, “Ok Gabriel I have heard of cupping.” I have always used it on patients but then Michael Phelps came along and took cupping to the next level. Cupping became famous. So what is cupping actually used for? What are those crazy things I put on your back? Cupping involves putting a flame inside a cup to take all the oxygen out of a glass jar (plastic cups be for rookies) and placing it on the skin creating a vacuum. The skin underneath is raised or sucked up (like the hickey I got in 7th grade from Lori Sanders - thanks Lori!). The main concept is to increase circulation, relieve pain, remove heat and pull out toxins. I use two types of cupping. One is standard fixed cupping where the cup is left on one spot to bring more blood to the area. The other is moving cupping, which pulls the muscles to the surface, stretches the muscles and circulates blood. Cupping causes skin discoloration turning it red and a bluish purple. The more intense the redness, the more blood stagnation/injury to the area. I think this is another very informative video. Focus on the cupping and maybe why you think none of these women are married. I can't stop thinking about the poor fish and that gross comforter (obviously never cleaned) used to keep the poor guy warm in the North Korean prison camp acupuncture office.
If you’d like to set up an appointment with Gabriel, please call (212) 473-3750 or email firstname.lastname@example.org.